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This morning, when I left to come to the hospital, I felt as if I have been going to a new job each day for the past week and a half. This new scene in my life has become familiar. I am almost through the initial training period. I’m not sure I like this job but hope that I am performing at an acceptable level. I had no idea it would be this tough.
It’s hard to sit around all the time and worry about someone. There is nothing to do for her but take care of myself and the part of my life that still goes on beyond the hospital and what is happening around her. I feel useless but needed. I feel obligated and rediculous. I’m agonizing over the reality of the impossible situation of helping and not helping.
I know that my presence and efforts here are not useless or ineffective. I do realize that I have been an important part of what has transpired around this tragedy. I know that I am appreciated for what I have done and have been told the same by many I have talked to. I just feel frustrated to have not been able to reverse this reality, to make it not so, to turn back the clock and prevent it from happening.
The doctors and nurses here have been great and I have not been too much of a pain to them but only because I understand the immediate need of what they know to get her beyond critical and into healing. I’ve already asked them to give her Vitamin C which they have NEVER HEARD OF! They gave her some a few times and I have asked again to make sure it is administered daily. She needs good nourishment and my next step is to see that she gets glycol-nutrients (cellular nutrition) in the form of Ambrotose or the generic same. The problem is sufficiently educating and convincing the doctor of it’s efficacy and catching him on duty to order it. Right now they don’t want to hear about it.
We are so relieved to see them feeding her but it has been so little and so unappetizing. They couldn’t feed her at all for the first week. They are giving her vitamins and medicines, iron, and who knows what. It was orange the other day and green today. I guess that’s good. Those are antioxidant colors. This afternoon she got a big creamy looking shake that the nurse said includes a fair amount of calories and nutrition.
Nurse Mack is a big man with lots to say. He has been very nice to explain everything to us. He’s been doing this for 30 years and really cares. He’s taking good care of Mom, who is resting in a heavily sedated state today, while we discuss the state of our nation, economics, history, politics, healthcare, and escaping it all to live on an island in the Caribbean.
There is a lot of rambling today because I brought Mom’s laptop and kept a running dialog with myself to have something to do. It helps to keep busy. I don’t know who all is reading this but it sounds like this blog is getting around a bit. Sometimes I hold back on things I would pour out of my emotional state and other times I tell it like it is. Thanks for listening.
Where’s the chocolate?
John and Linda Fordyce
- Linda
- We are so blessed to have a great family and so many, many good, loving friends who are concerned and praying for Linda when she needs it. Thank you!
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I have just read your latest comments about Linda's progress and your frustrations. While I don't know you at all I'd like to say I understand how you feel having waited in ICU's with my loved ones and waited and waited with nothing to do, you mind goes all over the place and the pace of healing is awfully slow you feel. The helplessness of the situation will eat you up and wear you out. This is something you just can't fix no matter how much you want to. Reading a book is out of the question, your mind won't let you concentrate. There is a man in our church, Everett Hawks, who has just come through a terrible incident with his health. We all feared for his future, he needed skin grafting and was quite ill for some time. Today his grafting has all healed, and his golf game is nearly back to normal. I say this because I hope it will give you hope. Hang in there one day at a time --doing something with your hands might help..I'm praying often for all of you...Nancy Oldham-Kiononia SS class member.
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